When is it that we realize there is a sincere, genuine problem? I think we have to hit rock bottom. I believe that only at the foundation can we truly rebuild ourselves and indoctrinate change. Only when we’ve destroyed everything can see that we must reject what we thought was law and adapt a new theory. Familiar philosophy here? Yes, Chuck’s Fight Club plays a role in my philosophies. You see, Fight Club was pivotal in my life not only because of the deep concepts it seeded into my mind but because that’s where it all began.
I was 17 and free of parental oversight. I was a social deviant and a rebellious juvenile but I kept my antics, for the most part, from crossing over into jail time. My mother had abandoned me just the year before on a park bench in front of my Uncle and Aunts house. She told me she was leaving the state and said goodbye to me. I teared up because I knew she was leaving me. Never had I felt such abandonment in my life and I cried for over an hour on the bench after she left. Soon after my Uncle kicked me out from his house because he had too many kids to support and the economy was too rough so I had to go. Once again I felt alone and discarded. I moved in with an elderly woman who knew my grandmother and lived just down the street. She was sweet and I would take care of her but she locked me out of the house after 5pm. Inevitably she found out I was sneaking into the house through the window. She too kicked me out on the street. At this point I had severe abandonment, trust, and affection issues. My friends took me in and I bounced from home to home.
Chat was a big deal when the internet first came out to the general public. I had AOL and would chat with random people all over the country. I loved it. I met Erin through her kid sister in some chat room. We talked for while before I finally met her. I was shy as hell and she wasn’t what I’d expected. She was a skinny blonde with big blue eyes. Her hair straggly and her skin freckled. She was not the image of beauty but she was silly and told me that she loved me for me. That was it for me, my heart captured.
Erin and I got a long well on our chats both online and over the phone. She told me she was sick and lonely one Saturday. Her family had gone away for the weekend. I told her I’d bring her some soup and keep her company. She’d never seen my favorite movie Fight Club so I borrowed it from Carlito. She lived in the most rural area in my city and was over an hour away from my house. Carlito didn’t feel safe allowing me to travel out there alone and offered to come with me. I gladly accepted.
We arrived at a farm and were greeted with about 9 dogs. She came out to see us and took my shopping bag of soups. The house was run down and the whole place smelled like animals. She had horses, chickens, and rabbits. We weren’t used to this all; hell we were both city boys and no one we knew had chickens as pets, wild rabbits, and horses in their front yard. She took us to her room and we popped in the VHS tape. During the movie Erin and I were holding one another and touching one another like the blind with braille. While Carlito was out for a smoke break, Erin and I started kissing for the first time. He returned and she whispered into my ear , “Maybe he should take a longer break.” I turned over to Carlito and hinted he should take another break but he just wasn’t getting it. “Hey bro, have another smoke.” I urged but he respectfully and hardheadly declined, “Bro, the best scene is coming up.” She turned to him, grasped his arm tightly and said, “He so I kind of want to fuck your friend, can you please leave?” He laughed and finally left. I was nervous. I was a virgin. How long would I last? Would I be big enough? She had told me that she’d had sex before but didn’t enjoy it. Would I follow in my predecessors foot steps?
Looking back now, I truly believe it was the experience of undressing a girl for the first time that got me excited more so than it was her body. She was small breasted, had no hips or ass but the idea that I was doing something I’d never done before thrilled me. I honestly didn’t even know where to put it. I had an idea but it didn’t slip in like the movies I’d watched. Too bad they didn’t have Google Maps on cell phones because it would have saved me from the awkward moment that ensued. Apparently jamming myself into her urethra was not the right hole. She yelped and guided me in without causing me too much further embarrassment. It was intense and it felt amazing like nothing I’d ever felt before. Once we really started going, it was smooth and passionate but I was shy still. I didn’t know what to do with my face so I tucked in between her shoulders and hid my face. She moaned loudly and I thought I was hurting her so I stopped and asked if she was okay. She laughed and said, “Yeah, your just bigger than I thought. Keep going” She smiled and I felt so empowered. I fucked her vigorously. It didn’t take long, maybe 9 minutes at most. I remember I paused half way through and redirected her face to the screen so she could witness that epic scene Carlito was awaiting. She laughed and told me to stay focused. We went another round and I threw my condoms in the toilet. When I pulled off the condom off I saw blood. Afterward I sat outside and smoked with Carlito. I bragged about how big I was and how I made her bleed because of my girth and thickness. We high fived like your normal juveniles celebrating our feeble concept of masculinity and dominance. Then I felt a soft hand hit my shoulder and whisper, “Baby I’m on my period.” Instantly I felt embarrassed and robbed of my victory!
Erin and I continued to date for another year and half. We fought a lot because we were very different both mentally and culturally. I felt she was insecure and immature- a receipt for disaster but I had to marry her, after all she was my first. We were on and off but it wasn’t until after I enlisted the in the Corps that she really changed me forever.